1) My mother said ... that I never should
play with the naughty little girls
in the wood.
Their giggling talk I
could never understand,
And
that's why I fell in love with my right hand...
CHORUS:
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker!
And it does me good like it bloody
well should.
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker!
And I'm always pulling my pud.
2) I was twenty-five years old before I was
kissed,
And then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist!
It's cheap and convenient; you can't catch VD;
It's available at
any time, and it's absolutely free!
(CHORUS)
３）Oh,
Mrs. Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank
you for having me, and being oh so kind.
I've got
pains
in my arms, and my donkey's
getting shorter,
My knees have turned to water, and I think I'm going blind.
(CHORUS)
4) I've wanked over Italy; I've wanked over Spain;
I've wanked in an
omnibus; I've even had a wank on a train.
I've used a badger, and a melon,
and a cat,
An
inflatable Linda Lovelace, and a Davy Crockett hat!
(CHORUS)
5) Some prefer animals or little boys to love.
Others use a pigeon like a one-fingered glove.
I like to get a grip on things and, feeling quite carefree,
Arrange an instant
hand release with someone who loves me...
(CHORUS)